The Power of Levelling Up

 I turned 39 yesterday, the 29th of July, and I started feeling blue for days before the event.

My mum instilled a ''always celebrate your birthday'' mentality in me since I was a child so it was odd that I was dreading getting older this year.

At first, I thought it had to do with the new job and freelancing being hard as a whole. My struggle with getting into a routine and being present instead of getting caught up in endless distractions and daydreams. 

I don't deny that all that definitely had a part to play but it wasn't the whole reason. It was the fact that I was getting older and closer to 40. That in my lifetime I had experienced so much pain and heartache, mostly in the last couple of years that I felt broken and not worthy.

It's shocking how abuse at the workplace can leave you with PTSD to the point of thinking you have accomplished nothing and life is doom and gloom.

I am definitely not depressed, but I had been two years ago and without the meds and therapy (that I still go for and won't stop), I would either not be alive to see 39 or be institutionalized. Mental Health is important yet even in 2021 a topic that is taboo especially at the workplace.

Everything in life is a journey and it's often difficult to see how far you've come even if you turn around to catch a glimpse. I am not ready to talk about what caused the depression and why I still get triggered, perhaps in a future blog and only as part of my healing.

What I am going to concentrate on is my journey so far in terms of the positives and there are many. It is to remind me of my accomplishments and to celebrate who I am and my evolution.

I have visited eight countries, one purely at the airport but it still counts! I had never thought that I would have even gotten to see one country let alone eight. Only two of these countries had me travelling in a group or with two other people. Botswana was part of a work educational trip and Mauritius with my folks as part of a promise made to take them on an overseas holiday.

The rest? Alone. I travelled alone. The first time was terrifying, utterly terrifying. But the terror only lasted until the hotel check-in. After that, I was focused and enjoyed every minute of it.

I wouldn't call myself a seasoned traveller but I would call myself a professional tourist. I am the person that won't get up late when there is so much to see and do. I also don't "wing it". Planning an itinerary to get the most out of a trip is an art form and quite empowering.

It might sound like I just ticked boxes but I enjoyed all my travels and met the most amazing people on these journeys including an amazing friend from Poland. I also found hidden gems and had a full experience, most of all I did it alone.

Me, small and sometimes dangerous( but only when hangry) had traipsed some of the world in my size three shoes and absolute determination. 

I also moved and lived in three cities, staying with family and then with friends but mostly with people I didn't know. I am not a lively roommate, I tend to keep to myself, in fact, you hardly know I am there and back then I hardly ate either but mostly because I couldn't cook.

That too was terrifying at first but done out of the need to be independent. I wanted to make my own way and grow. It came with hardships, fallouts and crazy boyfriends. But it brought with it the ability to adapt and live. It also brought many friendships and life lessons and a ton of fantastic memories of being so young, confident and having the ability to dance in a club with heels the entire night and still get home without breaking my ankle.

I was learning about who I was in those years and who I didn't want to be. I found that I tended to be very accommodating at the expense of my own comfort and happiness. It is a trait that I am only now getting over. That's the beauty of getting older, you care quite a bit about your happiness and comfort and sanity.

Cape Town was where I started putting down roots, roots that I never thought I had because I was accustomed to a nomadic life that was constantly changing.

It was the city that helped mould me into an adult with budgets, grocery lists, career changes, friendships with people that accepted my geekiness because I didn't hide it, endless exploration and mad experiences. These did include betrayals, work abuse, cross country romance, more international friends, weird stress-related allergy reactions that almost killed me once,  but also life lessons and a deep understanding of love.

I have now married the only person that has ever truly got me, with two dogs that bring me endless joy and madness, in a house in the burbs that I part own and a farm that is waiting for us to start the next journey. I grow succulents, soon as a living, and love tending to the garden when I am not cooking and trying to start a writing career.

I gave up on a corporate career because honestly, I am tired of trying to play the game when I have never known the rules. Also, I am lucky that the husband supports me so that I can continue to grow and find myself. It sounds like a complicated game of one person hide and seek, doesn't it? I suppose that is what it is. You go and hide to heal and count as you adapt and change until you're ready to find yourself.

Young Therusha would be shocked, I think. Actually, I am not sure. She couldn't keep a plant alive unless it was plastic and even then..She would have loved that my cooking skills improved and sprouted some local fans. I doubt that she would have loved my weight gain and inability to wear heels though. 

My health journey is a complicated one but I am taking steps and going at my own pace. After all, a couple months ago I suffered from sciatica so badly that I could barely sleep or even move, now I am running around the house dancing to k-pop. I have more energy to get tasks done and I am the most creative that I have ever been. I may not like my body so much at the moment, but I love my mind and my growing talents.

I love that I stand up for myself now and am firm with my opinions and wants. I love that I go to therapy and advocate for mental health. I love that despite the blues that creep in especially around my birthday, I can count my blessings and celebrate myself.

I think young Therusha would have liked that. I think she would have smiled at the person I have become.